Choices are the hinges of destiny.

-Edwin Markham

I am terrible at making decisions. I had hoped that through travel, I would get better. But no, I still think, think and over-think. One time, my very patient friend, Megan, hung out in a TJ Maxx for three hours as I stressed about what piece of luggage to buy. Yeesh, Cassie.

I just want my decision to be right. And even when I tell myself that no matter what decision I make, it WILL be the right one, I still cannot let go of the anxiety around making a decision.

What I want for lunch? Well, that one is easy (I’ll take one of everything, please! Nom.) But many decisions carry more weight. Sometimes it feels like your entire life’s path is based on a single decision. As if to choose one thing, you must leave many other things behind. Threatening time, money and happiness.

And none of this seems to get easier the older I get. Motivation feels further away, inspiration feels dulled and risk feels… well, riskier.

Right now, I have terrible anxiety over a decision already made. Should I have come to Bogotá? Why am I taking this class? What if I fail? Why don’t I feel passionate about grammar? Am I stressed only because it is an unknown? What do I do after? Imposter syndrome and self-doubt are taking a toll, leaving me in a cloud of overwhelm.

A friend sent a check-in email, and my response was bleak. In her reply, she said, “If you get through this program and decide you don’t want to teach English you’ll still have gained something. It may not be readily apparent, but that will come to you eventually.”

Insanely excellent reminder. No matter what decision I make, there is always something to gain.

A quote from Deepak Chopra is also helpful, “If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.”

“The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience. “

So, how do I get better at decision making? I am not exactly sure. I think I need to focus on the positives, recognize that decisions are not binary, and that no matter what, taking the risk to try something new is worth it, and I will always come out ahead.